How I'm doing

Today was a great day. Yesterday wasn't so hot, but I guess what I'm feeling is normal--the ups and downs and unproductive days mixed in with my normal cheerful productiveness. My kids are so sweet--in perfect sincerity they each asked me sometime today how I was really doing. Mason, when I was tucking him in, asked me, and commented that this morning started off rough, but I seemed to be much happier in the afternoon. I love that they notice things like that, and take the time to check in on me. :) 


I've decided that trying to hide my feelings and why I'm acting so irregularly isn't good for me, and that it is okay for them to see me struggle. Giving myself permission to not be perfect has been very freeing for me since my downs are further down than normal.

I've also started really answering people when they ask how I'm doing or how my mom is doing. Because frankly, I'm sad and scared and worried and I need people to talk to to help me make it through this--but I am okay because I am going to make it through this. 

My mom is still in the hospital (since Monday) due to a doctor's mistake that caused a lung to collapse, but she should be home tomorrow. She'll start chemo in a couple of days and we are all anxious about what that will do to her. 

Saying things like that out loud to people who care is painfully healing. To actually say the words is scary because it makes them more real, but it is wonderful to know that people really truly care and will let me cry when I need to cry. I feel closer to everyone with whom I share my real feelings. 

I've also decided that I'm just going to cry sometimes. The more I try to hold in my tears the more scrunched up my face gets, and I don't want it to get stuck that way. :) So I just let the tears roll. It's wonderful how loving and understanding people are!