October 2016

For FHE one night, we recreated the Nephite empire with blocks and beanie babies. 

Trevor turned 5!

We canned lots and lots of applesauce to go with the peaches, pears and corn.

Picking out a pumpkin. At Walmart. Because we are that awesome.

God's gift to women (he just went along with what I said he should be), a ghost, half evil/half beauty queen, lion, knight. Money spent: $0.

His school Halloween costume. Isn't he cute?!

Our rooster, Rusty, proved his worth yet again. His loyalty saved the rest of the flock, and we will sorely miss him. We have two  cockerels in our younger flock who will hopefully grow into wonderful protectors. RIP Rusty, we'll miss you.

(Side note: I finally got the 22 unlocked, but took no pleasure in killing the fox.)

I learned how to make apple cider vinegar! It's come in super handy in the care of animals.

Just another day--June 6, 2017

Stephen left this morning for a quick work trip back to Minneapolis, leaving me solo with all 7 kids. Everything was going fine (thanks to awesome friends at church) until I started feeling not so great. Like I stayed in bed all afternoon until I remembered the miracle that is ibuprofen. Anyhow, Elise took care of the little kids while I rested, but also while I rested I had a chance to talk with almost all of them.

Elise brought me lunch and we talked about summer plans--things she wants to do and things I want her to do. Trevor came in after playing in the water and told me all about it (until I realized that he wasn't wearing anything under his towel!). Lincoln talked with me about today's primary class--he loves to talk. We all read scriptures and prayed together. I "tucked in" Lincoln and Trevor from my rocking chair, first praying with them, then rubbing their backs while they stood next to me, leaning against my shoulder while I sang "Army of Helaman". They asked what the song meant, so I reminded them of the story and how the song reminds of to be obedient and faithful to what is right.

Ezra has been fussy tonight, so Elise and I took turns helping him, but finally, finally he slept during scriptures. I tucked Ruthie in, reading a book, singing "I'm Trying to be like Jesus" and kneeling by her little bed and praying with her.

The table is covered in breakfast, lunch and dinner mess, the sink is full of dirty dishes, the dishwasher full of clean dishes. But as my mom's poem (which Ruthie has me read every time I put her to bed) says,

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow...
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep...
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

October 16, 2016

With a new LDS temple being built in Fort Collins, Elise and Mason had the chance to participate in a youth cultural celebration. For months before the temple dedication they practiced with other youth in the stake, and the day before the dedication a miracle happened and everything actually came together. It was a bit stressful for my perfectionist daughter towards the end...no one else has trained like she has for perfect dancing. It was a good experience for her!

Can you see Elise? She's in yellow...

The following day Stephen sang in one of the temple dedicatory sessions--and the older 3 kids and I were invited to attend in the temple! We were seated in one of the sealing rooms with our friend Pam (whose husband was also singing in the choir), when about 5 minutes before the session was to begin the kids and I were invited to move to the Celestial room.

Our seats were in row 2, smack in front of the podium. A minute or so after we were seated, President Uchtdorf came into the room and walked straight to us to shake hands. There were a couple other kids in the room and he shook their hands, too. Elise said when he spoke he sometimes looked directly at her--something she will never forget. It was amazing to be in the Celestial room of a temple with an Apostle of the Lord. My kids are looking forward to being in the temple again--can't wait until we all "get there together"!

Ruthie at 2

I haven't written about individual kids in a long time, but the other day we found a journal I kept when Sammy was almost 2, and the stories were so fun to remember and read together. I have a quiet minute (Stephen's parents are in town to help with the baby...when he comes...) so figured I'd write about Ruthie.

Ruthie is the family darling. She has golden ringlets, and usually lets me brush it, but never ever allows pigtails. Sometimes she'll let us put a clip in, but it only lasts long enough for her to run to Stephen or Elise and be told how nice it is, then she rips it out. So usually her beautiful curls look like a rats nest.

She doesn't scream anymore (hallelujah!), and is quite good at communicating so long as you know her signs. She is currently signing:

all done
milk, water
chicken, bird, duck, geese (they look the same)
again, more
hat, shoes
eat
fish, pig, cat, pig
bread, breakfast (they look the same)
please, thank you, help
book/read
tired, sad
cheese, muffin, cookie, apple, raisins
bath
baby
flower

Her eyes are very expressive, and she has some words she can say, most of which are unintelligible to anyone but family...

Mama, Mommy, MAAAAH
Daddy
Papa
Ees (Elise)
Ees (geese)
Eeses (Jesus)
Ees (brush teeth)
Bub-bo (bubble)
Ess (yes)
No
Ba-oh (ball)
Ba-ohn (balloon)
Woof (dog)
Animal sounds: cock, hen, cat, chicken, sheep, lion, tiger, bear, owl, pig, dog, duck

She tries to say Mason, Sammy, Lincoln and Trevor, but they all sound pretty much the same. She has an all-purpose word, "Nah-doh", and we have no idea what it means, but she uses it all the time in all sorts of situations.

Here's a common conversation that happens in the car...

Ruth: MAAAH
Me: Yes, Ruthie?
R: Ees?
Me: Yes, we are picking up Elise.
R: MAAAH
Me: Yes, Ruthie?
R: Ees?
Me: Yes, we are picking up Elise
.......and on it goes until we pick up Elise 10 minutes later. If I don't reply, the "MAAAH" just gets louder and louder until she is yelling it. Also, if Elise doesn't immediately acknowledge Ruth as soon as she gets in the car, Ruth starts yelling, "EEES!!!" until she gets a response, whereupon Ruth starts babbling for a minute or two.

My goal for the next month

I just noticed that I haven't posted any recent pictures since OCTOBER!! How did that happen?? Oh yeah, sick and pregnant and then a newborn. Well, let the updates begin!!! Because having 7 kids makes it so much more possible to blog. Right. Anyhow, I'm going to start back in October and we'll see how this goes...

But here's a teaser picture. Expect more cuteness soon!

Turning

For the last 2+ years I feel like I've only been going through the motions of believing the gospel. I've gone to church, said my prayers and been decent at reading the scriptures. I've read and prayed with my kids, fulfilled my church callings and participated in church meetings. I've shared head knowledge, or what I once firmly believed, but felt like a fake even as I shared. But something has been missing, and I'm pretty sure it's been the Spirit.

When Mom decided to go on hospice care I unknowingly started to sever my ties to deity. When she died I tried to turn to God, but couldn't. I tried to take comfort in temple covenants, but the hurt was too new, too raw, and I was too angry.

The anger and raw pain have subsided over the last 2 years, leaving a dull ache that flares up at times, but I still haven't repaired my severed relationship with God. Over the last few months I've felt a gentle pull to turn to Him, but not until last night could I identify my feelings.

Stephen and I went to the adult session of stake conference, where 2 speakers told their conversion stories, then others spoke on repentance. They were nice talks, but I didn't let them get through to me. Finally, our stake president spoke. He quoted President Uchtdorf's April 2016 talk about the Good Shepherd.

"What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

"And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing."

I felt at that moment that, right now, I am the one lost. What a realization!

"Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.

"He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears."

"It matters not how you became lost--whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.

"What matters is that you are His child. and He loves you. He loves His children."

Now that I know I'm lost, I have a very important choice to make. Do I want to be found? Or do I want to keep floundering on my own? I haven't enjoyed just going through the motions without feeling connected to my Savior, but have kept going on my own anyhow. I'm no longer angry, just lonely and sad. I think I have the broken heart necessary to humble myself...but where do I even start?

I read the rest of President Uchtdorf's talk this morning, and thankfully, he had some insights for me.

"'Turn...to me.'

"'Come unto me.'

"'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.'

"This is how we show Him that we want to be rescued.

"It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.

"If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe. That is enough to start.

"Then, acting on that hope, reach out to Heavenly Father. God will extend His love toward you, and His work of rescue and transformation will begin.

"Over time, you will recognize His hand in your life. You will feel His love. And the desire to walk in His light and follow His way will grow with every step of faith you take."

I really enjoyed our stake conference today--the first time I've really enjoyed a church meeting in a long time. I think it was because I'm finally receptive to feeling the Spirit. It's been a long time that I just haven't wanted to feel anything--to open myself up to feeling God's love--even though it's what I've needed...and known that I've needed. I just haven't wanted it enough to open myself up. But I think I am ready now. 

"You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.

"He will rescue you.

"He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.

"He will carry you home.

"...we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were--far greater than what we can ever imagine."

Well, here I go...turning to the Savior and trusting--hoping--his promises are sure. 

Tired

For the last 3 or 4 weeks I haven't been sleeping well. I'll get a few good hours in, right at first, and then wake up, gasping for air or just wide awake. I can't get comfortable and feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen. So I sit up in bed, or more often go to the couch, and sit and sit and sit, waiting to go to sleep again. It's not that I'm not tired, I just can't go to sleep. It's miserable.

My doctor told me to take a sleep aid, but so far that hasn't helped at all--it's not going to sleep that is the problem, it's staying that way beyond a few hours. I've started exercising, hoping to help my heart not race so frequently, and maybe help me sleep better, but nothing has helped so far. We're getting a new mattress next week, so hopefully that will help...I just don't know. I'm just so tired.

But for now, I wake up tired, go through the day tired and go to bed tired. I"m even tired when I wake up in the middle of the night, over and over. The combination of tired and pregnant lead me to cry. All. The. Time. There's no telling when I'll start crying--someone is nice to me, someone is grumpy to me, I remember tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of Mom's passing, I talk to my doctor, a song comes on the radio, something in a book stands out to me....I am glad, however, that I get sad instead of mad. I hate being mad even more than I hate being sad.

Stephen and the kids are great--they really take care of things when I'm out of commission. Doing the dishes, preparing meals, reading to the younger kids, tidying up, running errands, taking care of the animals, making me laugh...I am very blessed!!

Eventually I'll sleep again, and hopefully not remember these few weeks of fatigue...most likely just in time to welcome the newest Jones to the family and not sleep all over again!