I have started this post so many times, but rarely get past the first few sentences. How do I write that my mom is dying? Because putting it in cold, hard words makes it real. And yet, it doesn't change the facts: it's looking like she has less than 2 weeks left on this earth.
That is hard. Impossibly difficult. Soul wrenching.
I burst into tears at times I least expect it. Little Trevor runs for his blanky every time, rushing to bring it back to me and wipe my tears and do a silly dance to make me smile. When we told the kids the news on Saturday there were a lot of tears, and Trevor gave his blanky to Elise to wipe hers. Along with shedding their own tears, my kids comfort me with hugs and prayers.
I said my goodbyes to Mom on Saturday night. She is ready to move on. In fact, my dad said "
She just wishes that the next time she wakes up she would be free from this vale of tears." That's essentially what she told me on the phone - this last stage of dying is really just dragging on. She feels like she is done here - ready for the next stage in her eternal life.
As weird as that was to talk about, I'm glad I know she feels that way. It is comforting that she isn't fearful or dreading the future, but can look forward with perfect faith and confidence and peace.
I don't cry because I don't have faith in temple covenants and the sealing power or in Jesus Christ's power to save. I do have that faith. I'm not worried about where she is going - she gets to be with Grandma and her grandparents and countless other people whose temple work she has done. I believe that.
I cry because I am going to miss her terribly. I'll miss being able to call her up to tell her a funny story about one of the kids, or because I need help with a recipe, or need advice. I'll miss her not being here when my daughter is born, or showing off pictures of her darling grandkids. I cry because I won't be able to be at the funeral.
So when people try to comfort me in my times of extreme sadness, reminding me of the plan of salvation doesn't help. I believe it. Telling me she will soon be free from pain doesn't help. I know that. Neither does the fact that I will see her again or she is in a better place or it is just us who are left behind who mourn. I've got that.
But losing a parent sucks. It just does. No two ways around it. And right now I just need to grieve and cry and be sad and not do my dishes sometimes. I don't know when my weepiness will pass. I'm told it does, and I'm not one to wallow in misery, so I'm sure it will. I don't always cry, but my tears are frequently near the surface, and I never know when they will start.
So please, please be patient with me as I mourn.
