Turning

For the last 2+ years I feel like I've only been going through the motions of believing the gospel. I've gone to church, said my prayers and been decent at reading the scriptures. I've read and prayed with my kids, fulfilled my church callings and participated in church meetings. I've shared head knowledge, or what I once firmly believed, but felt like a fake even as I shared. But something has been missing, and I'm pretty sure it's been the Spirit.

When Mom decided to go on hospice care I unknowingly started to sever my ties to deity. When she died I tried to turn to God, but couldn't. I tried to take comfort in temple covenants, but the hurt was too new, too raw, and I was too angry.

The anger and raw pain have subsided over the last 2 years, leaving a dull ache that flares up at times, but I still haven't repaired my severed relationship with God. Over the last few months I've felt a gentle pull to turn to Him, but not until last night could I identify my feelings.

Stephen and I went to the adult session of stake conference, where 2 speakers told their conversion stories, then others spoke on repentance. They were nice talks, but I didn't let them get through to me. Finally, our stake president spoke. He quoted President Uchtdorf's April 2016 talk about the Good Shepherd.

"What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

"And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing."

I felt at that moment that, right now, I am the one lost. What a realization!

"Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.

"He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears."

"It matters not how you became lost--whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.

"What matters is that you are His child. and He loves you. He loves His children."

Now that I know I'm lost, I have a very important choice to make. Do I want to be found? Or do I want to keep floundering on my own? I haven't enjoyed just going through the motions without feeling connected to my Savior, but have kept going on my own anyhow. I'm no longer angry, just lonely and sad. I think I have the broken heart necessary to humble myself...but where do I even start?

I read the rest of President Uchtdorf's talk this morning, and thankfully, he had some insights for me.

"'Turn...to me.'

"'Come unto me.'

"'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.'

"This is how we show Him that we want to be rescued.

"It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.

"If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe. That is enough to start.

"Then, acting on that hope, reach out to Heavenly Father. God will extend His love toward you, and His work of rescue and transformation will begin.

"Over time, you will recognize His hand in your life. You will feel His love. And the desire to walk in His light and follow His way will grow with every step of faith you take."

I really enjoyed our stake conference today--the first time I've really enjoyed a church meeting in a long time. I think it was because I'm finally receptive to feeling the Spirit. It's been a long time that I just haven't wanted to feel anything--to open myself up to feeling God's love--even though it's what I've needed...and known that I've needed. I just haven't wanted it enough to open myself up. But I think I am ready now. 

"You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.

"He will rescue you.

"He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.

"He will carry you home.

"...we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were--far greater than what we can ever imagine."

Well, here I go...turning to the Savior and trusting--hoping--his promises are sure. 

Easter Sunday

This morning I woke up crying. Thinking about what Christ's resurrection means to me brought on a barrage of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. Because He lives, I can be with my family forever--a thought which brings great happiness and peace to me. But that thought also reminds me that I am not with all of those that I love right now. And that thought brings me a sorrow that, even while I have hope and faith, makes the tears flow.

All morning long I debated whether or not I would go to church--I couldn't decide which would be worse, staying at home with too much time to think or hearing people's testimonies of how we can be together in eternity because of Christ's Atonement (because I'd just cry the whole time). As I walked down to take care of the chickens I had the thought that it would be just fine to stay home--there was no shame in taking time for myself.

So I sent everyone except Ruthie off to church, and decided that even though I'm sad, I'm still going to take care of myself--not just lounge around in my pjs all morning. Ruth was happily pushing a stool around the house, so I decided to sneak in a quick shower. No sooner than I got in than Ruth crawled into the bathroom, sat outside the shower and cried like her heart was breaking. For the whole. Shower.

It got me thinking--all that was separating us was a shower curtain. But Ruthie couldn't see me or be with me, and that was all she wanted. She wanted me. Not the knowledge that I was so close. Not hearing my disembodied voice. She just wanted me--my physical presence, my hugs, my comfort.

Sad Ruthie!

I guess that's what I want today, too. My pain isn't overwhelming or incapacitating, but it is real and it is there. So I'm going to let myself feel it and embrace it today. And then I'll come out of it again--because of my hope and faith in my Savior. Because through Him I know I'll be with Mom again. I still hurt, but I also have hope.

How I'm doing

Today was a great day. Yesterday wasn't so hot, but I guess what I'm feeling is normal--the ups and downs and unproductive days mixed in with my normal cheerful productiveness. My kids are so sweet--in perfect sincerity they each asked me sometime today how I was really doing. Mason, when I was tucking him in, asked me, and commented that this morning started off rough, but I seemed to be much happier in the afternoon. I love that they notice things like that, and take the time to check in on me. :) 


I've decided that trying to hide my feelings and why I'm acting so irregularly isn't good for me, and that it is okay for them to see me struggle. Giving myself permission to not be perfect has been very freeing for me since my downs are further down than normal.

I've also started really answering people when they ask how I'm doing or how my mom is doing. Because frankly, I'm sad and scared and worried and I need people to talk to to help me make it through this--but I am okay because I am going to make it through this. 

My mom is still in the hospital (since Monday) due to a doctor's mistake that caused a lung to collapse, but she should be home tomorrow. She'll start chemo in a couple of days and we are all anxious about what that will do to her. 

Saying things like that out loud to people who care is painfully healing. To actually say the words is scary because it makes them more real, but it is wonderful to know that people really truly care and will let me cry when I need to cry. I feel closer to everyone with whom I share my real feelings. 

I've also decided that I'm just going to cry sometimes. The more I try to hold in my tears the more scrunched up my face gets, and I don't want it to get stuck that way. :) So I just let the tears roll. It's wonderful how loving and understanding people are!

Potential

Years ago in Portland I started a preschool co-op with some friends for our 3-year-olds. Why would I send my kids away from me to learn? I had smart, wonderful friends--we could do this! Fast forward a couple of years to Kindergarten. I'm the one who didn't send my 5-year-old away. Society won't dictate to me what I have to do! (Thank you, father, for my rebellious streak)

Jump ahead a year and we were in Provo, buckling down for the hardest 2 years of my life: Stephen's MBA program. Right away I got with a group of amazing women--the MBA Spouses Association at BYU. It is not an organization to trifle with--it is made up of a group of dedicated, hard-working women who make lofty goals and reach them. I noticed what we accomplished and was impressed.

Provo is also when I became absorbed in the education of my children--and myself. 2 years on my own--and feeling so alone--taught me that I do have what it takes to teach my children.

Finally, MBA graduation. We'll be in Minnesota for Stephen's PhD program until 2015. By the time we left Provo I saw myself as a strong, capable woman who can do hard things when the Lord is on my side. I knew that was true--the 2 years of the MBA program proved that to me. I was unafraid and ready to work. No more plush my-husband-comes-home-from-work-at-lunch-so-I-can-go-running (my life in Portland) life. I was prepared and ready.

Life in Minnesota continues to teach me. One time a friend was telling an acquaintance about my kids and said, "They are the smartest kids I know--she homeschools." That really rubbed me wrong--my children aren't any more intelligent than other children--they just have time and freedom to explore and discover what they are passionate about. Every child has the same potential they have.

That got me thinking--if I am so certain that my children have boundless potential, what about me? I, too, am a child of God, and he loves me and I love him. Doesn't he love me as much as he loves my children? Might I also have a reason and purpose for being on the earth at this time?

I have thought about that for the last year and a half, and I have decided that there is a reason I am in this place at this time. There is something that I can do to help build the kingdom of God on the earth. That thought combined with an abundance of faith and lack of fear has great power in my life.

I'm getting ready to hold my 2nd Gifts of the Heart Exchange here in Minnesota. Last year nearly 200 people came and took home much needed--and wanted--items. Clothing, toys, baby gear, household items, bikes...and I got to a part of seeing their happiness. I am on a Board of Directors that put on a production of "The Nutcracker" a few weeks ago--it was hard work, but very rewarding to see the dancing and hear comments from the audience. I teach my 5 kids at home and spoke at a homeschooling conference last year--I love encouraging new homeschooling families as they learn a different way of life. My kids and I visit a local nursing home several times a month and sing the old songs to the residents. My life is full of meaning and purpose.

I don't say any of this to say "Look at me! Look at the great things I am doing!" My contribution is a widow's mite, so to speak--but the Lord was grateful for that widow's mite. I'm merely a pencil in the hand of God. Where I am in my personal development now is light years away from where I was when I whined when Stephen worked more than 40 hours a week. Sometimes I look back at my little self and pat that young mom on the head and think how cute and sweet (and naive) I was.

And as I think of my children, I don't think I'm any better or more intelligent or more anything than anyone else. I had a serious growing time--and it wasn't easy--and realized my potential--and that potential is incredible.

What if every woman and man had a glimpse of their potential? What if every woman in the Relief Society believed that what they do makes a difference in this world? What if each of us found some thing to be passionate about--to work and pray for? Can you even imagine what our world would be like? What if the Relief Society wasn't merely a social institution but a catalyst for amazing programs and ideas?

There is power in us--we can't settle for mediocrity when there is greatness wanting to get out!

One more thing

I've been pondering what it means to be a mother lately, maybe because I know this time won't last forever, and also because Trevor is going to be the last baby for awhile. Some days (most days) it seems all I do is feed children, clean up and change diapers.

This last Monday was a great day. I did my Jillian workout, showered, had school with the kids, we ate lunch together, I put Lincoln down for a nap, cleaned up lunch, had the older kids go downstairs for quiet time, nursed Trevor and laid him down. I got out my list of things to accomplish during the week and everything I would need to do a couple of them--my computer, planner, insurance documents, phone numbers, etc. I grabbed my Book of Mormon and read that first, because I've learned that if I don't read first, I usually don't get back to it.

I finish reading and start in on insurance. What a headache! Just when I got to the point of almost understanding some of the charges, Trevor woke up. I went in and nursed him and laid beside him for a few minutes to help him sleep. Then back to insurance. Then Trevor woke up again and I rocked him again. And back to insurance. After a few minutes I heard Lincoln waking up, and then all the kids came upstairs for a snack. And then Trevor woke up.

I was so frustrated with the insurance--trying to make sense of the charges as well as the fact that before I had Trevor I was in frequent contact with them to make sure that I was covered at the birthing center, and now they had denied almost every stinking charge!!! Grr.

So here I was in the middle of frustrating insurance when everyone needed to have a snack and wanted to talk to me. I tried to do both, and continued getting more frustrated--trying to focus on something annoying anyhow with 4 sweet children clamoring for my attention doesn't bring out the best in me.

Amid this happy ruckus Stephen called. He told me all about his very successful day (which I totally credit to the faith of our mothers who were praying for him--and me) and then asked how I was doing. HA! I told him how I had been trying to get the insurance situation taken care of but kept getting derailed by the needs of our kids. Trevor not sleeping well. Needing to clean up. Lincoln waking up. The kids needing a snack. As I was talking to him Lincoln finished eating and needed to be taken to the sink so I could wash him up. Here's what I said to Stephen (read with tears in your voice):

"Lincoln needs to be washed now. There is always one more thing that I have to do!"

And my very sage husband replied:

"It's not just one more thing, it's the thing."

I stopped in my tracks. That's right! I don't just wash faces and read books and nurse my baby to get to something else. The goal doesn't need to somewhere other than where I am. As I'm told in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything. Sooner than I can imagine my sweet babies will be grown.

So right now, I get to choose every day: am I going to make this a happy day or a grumpy day? Either way the day will pass. It's like when somebody spills the orange juice--it's spilled, that can't be changed--what hasn't been decided is how I am going to react. I can't change what has happened, but I can control how I respond. After all, it's not like they spilled the juice on purpose!

Having a baby is so good for me. Everything slows down. I see things in a different light. I remember the overwhelming love I had for each of my children when they were so small, and have more patience with them as they make mistakes now that they are bigger. I appreciate the stage they are in, even the annoying parts, because I know it will pass so quickly.

I realize that I can only do so much, and so I let the little, unimportant things go. So the older kids don't always make their beds; I'll live. Elise leaves her socks on the garage steps; I can kindly ask her to put them away. Mason can't stop talking long enough for me to answer his questions; he'll learn. Me getting upset or annoyed really doesn't accomplish anything except making me upset and annoyed. Who wants to be around someone like that? At the end of the day it's really not worth it.

One tender mercy from a loving father in heaven is that even when I don't get much sleep (TD has been congested and wakes up at night coughing and/or gasping for breath--pretty much freaks me out and keeps me awake) I'm not mad. Usually when I'm tired and/or hungry I get mean. I've been working on that for years (and years and years). But lately I don't get mad. I'm just tired. What a great blessing!! I like myself the same whether or not I'm tired, but I really don't like to be around me when I'm angry all the time. I imagine my kids like to be around me more when I'm just tired, too. :o)

I've been surprised at how relaxed I've become (for the most part--see above example...) ever since having Trevor. In general I've finally realized that I can't do everything right now, and happy day!, I'm fine with that! The thing now, for this time of my life, doesn't go far beyond the 6 people that make up my home.

And, oh, I'm so happy!!!

The rest of the story: Blueberries and Rafting

When I think of Oregon, there are certain things that I always think of. The Coast, my family, mild weather, crazy Corvallis people, farmer's markets, berries, peaches and rafting, to name a few. This trip, I experienced everything I love about Oregon.

I got to visit with all my family, went to the market, picked (and ate and ate!) blueberries (even though we didn't bring any home), had fresh peaches (and cobbler!) and sent my family down the river. I was just too tired and grumpy to go...even thought I felt slightly guilty about it.

Did you know that when my mom was 7 months pregnant (which is what I am) with Scotty, she went on the John Day River with my grandpa, dad, and 4 of us kids? Trevor was 8, I was 7, Jeff was 5 and Brett was 2. In case you didn't know, the John Day is a week-long float trip, not an afternoon trip down the river.

Lincoln loved the water...or not

And about that mild weather. Every evening I would go and sit on the swing on my parents porch. There was a cool breeze and NO bugs. It was heavenly. I'm not a swearing person, but, I tell you what! These mosquitoes in MN have nearly brought me to it a time or two!

I can sum up our trip home in just 3 words: We made it.

29 hours of drive-time in 3 days. For as long and uncomfortable as that is for anyone, with my 32-week pregnant self and 4 small-ish kids we're just glad we made it. And that we still love each other! Going home for a couple of weeks was worth everything! Will we do it next year? We shall see...

Someday

When Stephen and I took our family back to school, we really didn't need to make a lot of financial changes. Even when we were making money we always lived frugally. My main problem store was Target--I found things to build up the kids getting-bigger boxes, and would just buy them and not worry about going over budget. I'd frequently go over budget on food as well. Other than those things, I was pretty good about staying in budget.

The two years of the MBA program helped me reign in my spending--we simply didn't have any money to spare! So I didn't go to Target. That worked quite well. I still frequently went over my food budget--but was always SO proud of myself when I was under. I am still proud of myself when I am under at the end of the month! (Not this month...)

Anyhow, I was thinking today of when we make money again. I won't make a lot of changes in my spending habits, but there are a few things I will put money in the budget for. 

The first one is gifts. I would LOVE to give people gifts on special occasions--anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, moving into a new house, having a baby, or just because I am thinking about them. I don't mean annoying toys or dumb gifts, but good quality, thoughtful gifts. 

I'd love to give every new baby a soft quilt, made with quality material I can't afford right now. I'd love to give gift cards to the movies or a favorite restaurant, along with babysitting. I'd love to be able to afford to send flowers to someone new every month--to celebrate any of the things listed above. I'd love to give at least $100 to every couple who gets married and send high quality books to my nieces and nephews. 

The second is a larger house. I don't need lots of bedrooms or bathrooms, but I'd love to have spaces in my house large enough that I could entertain as many people as I wish any time of the year. I'd love to be able to provide delicious food that I can't now afford for large groups--fresh fruits and veggies, yummy dips and crackers and drinks.

There is a certain amount of freedom in having a little extra money--I could go out and buy a riding lawn mower (they are on clearance right now) for Stephen, or a rototiller for me. I could visit home a little more often by flying someone out here to drive back with me. When I found a great deal on clothing that we need, I could buy it right then.

Money can do so much good. I'd love to be able to pay a great babysitter what they are worth, and have them come over frequently so Stephen and I could have regular date nights, and go to the temple often. I'd love to give more in our fast offerings and be able to slip $50 to someone who really needs it. I'd love to give more money to LDS Humanitarian Aid and the Perpetual Education Fund. I'd love to dig a well or buy a goat for a woman in Africa. 

...

I'm not complaining. I have everything I need--and much that I want! I love my house, my kids are happy and healthy, my husband and I love what we are doing! Just because I can't afford big things doesn't mean I can't write a heart-felt note or deliver a loaf of fresh homemade bread. I can still throw parties and make friends, and pay that babysitter for my temple trip. I am richly blessed even though my offerings are small.

Some day we'll make money again; right now I am perfectly happy.

Free lunch and Walmart

A government-sponsored program and crazy consumerism in a big box store full of cheap junk. What a way to spend my yesterday. I remember why I hate those things. Never. Again.

The end.

1 Nephi 17--Claire style

And it came to pass that we do again take our journey to graduate school; and we will travel north-east. And we do travel and wade through much affliction in the school years; and our women bear children in our school years.

And so great are the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we live upon beans and rice during school, our women give plenty of suck for their children, and are strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they begin to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he provides means for us while we sojourn at school.

And we will sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even 7 years of post-grad work.

*****

Looking forward to Bountiful, and the promised land beyond that, but in the meantime, we are sure enjoying the journey to get there!

Wouldn't it be lover-ly

The kids and I made a quick trip to Oregon this last weekend (read: left Friday, got home Monday) to welcome home my baby brother from his mission in Colombia! It was so fun to see him, and it was the first time in 3 1/2 years that all my brothers and I were together. It was wonderful, and well worth the looooooooong car ride.

Anyhow, as I was driving back to Utah I fell in love with the mountains just west of LaGrande - so big and wide and solitary...as I continued home I noticed how bright the stars are in northern Utah, and how peaceful it was. Here's what I'd really like: 100 acres in the mountainous woods, away from everyone and all the busyness and noise that is all around me. A small house, some chickens, a cow, some horses and lots of room. Maybe I've been watching "The Waltons" and reading "By the Shores of Silver Lake" too much, but doesn't that sound lovely? Just me and my family and the big night sky, surrounded by nature. I could get used to that!

I know that will never happen - we are needed elsewhere - but I think I've figured out a way to get a piece of that solitude in my life: instead of having a big house (which I've NEVER wanted), I'll have 2 small houses. One near wherever Stephen ends up working, and one in my woods, with no one near me. I'll spend at least a month a year in my solitary retreat, and be the better for it!