"Using" the Atonement--10/15

This past weekend was General Conference, and, as always, someone mentioned something about using the Atonement every day. I have used the phrase "use the Atonement" myself, but never really thought about what it meant until a couple of days ago. What does it actually look like to "use the Atonement"? I've asked several people about it, and mostly received vague, broad answers--the kind that I could have given--no new thoughts or ideas.

For the last couple of days Trevor has been pretending with his play food--he has set up his own restaurant in our linen closet/sauna downstairs, and "makes" me food per my order. This morning all the boys got into it--they created a "Trevor dollar" currency and symbols, credit cards (complete with a balance sheet) and a menu with appetizers, drinks, main dishes and desserts (they almost had 'deserts', but I had Mason add the necessary 's').

I love when they play together like this, but this morning they really needed to get dressed, make beds, do WAR (writing, arithmetic & reading) and in general get ready for the day. I was about to open my mouth and remind them about these things when "the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance" and I remained silent. Them playing together so well and so happily was more important than getting started 30 minutes earlier. (Not to mention the spelling and math that were occurring as part of their play!)

When I was (finally) showering I started thinking: I need the Spirit to be with me because I am a much better person when I am receiving inspiration and revelation and reminders to take deep breaths or laugh or put myself on time out. Having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion, however, depends on my personal righteousness. And how do I remain righteous? Through repentance. And why is repentance possible? Because Jesus Christ paid the price of my sins.

So if I can feel the Spirit with me, I have used the Atonement. That is something measurable to me--something I can recognize, something I know how to do. I also know what to do to keep the Spirit with me. Not that I always do what I know, but at least I do know!

I'm looking forward to discovering more practical, measurable ways that I can--or already do--use the Atonement every day.

Another Lincoln quote

Lincoln came into the bathroom this morning while I was showering and proceeded to do his business. All of a sudden he pipes up with, "Well, I'm mostly a big boy, but sometimes I still put my underwear on backwards."

It made me think--I'm mostly a big girl, but I still...
...get annoyed at little things
...slam doors when I'm really mad
...can't stand sudden changes
...say things that I know I shouldn't
...get impatient with children acting their ages
...and the list goes on...

BUT--Lincoln won't put his underwear on backwards for his entire life...in fact, it's only rarely that he still does--and it doesn't bring him down that he slips up sometimes. There is hope for me, too! I'll just make the goal of being better today than I was yesterday, and take it one day at a time, remembering to look behind me and see how far I've come.

Decisions

Eight and a half years ago a dear friend of mine was sent to prison for a crime that broke her heart--an accident that claimed the life of her infant son. I met her soon after he died, and quickly grew to love her. My brother was really the one in love, however, and when the verdict came back--"guilty"--I didn't know what would become of him.

He was so angry. I could relate. How could a loving God let something like this happen? It was true that my friend hadn't been living an upstanding life, but she had truly changed since learning about Christ--didn't that count for anything? What about the faithful people who had been praying and fasting for her? Was our faith in vain?

We were both heartbroken, my brother and I, bewildered and pretty furious at God. There was one difference in how we responded, however: I turned to Christ and my brother turned away. I sought solace in prayer and scripture study. I had faith and hope. I prayed for 2 years that my brother would come back--that if there was something I could say that would make a positive difference in his life I would say it at just the right moment.

He stayed in his haze until he met his future wife well over a year later. Then something changed and he was back to his normal happy self.

I, in the mean time, learned that it is okay to be happy and smile and laugh even when terrible things happen. I learned that the love and peace of Christ is a real thing. I felt it, almost like a warm embrace. I know that it is real.

Fast forward to today and hearing life-altering news. My mom's cancer is back with a vengeance. An average person on the most aggressive chemotherapy treatment would have less than a year to live at her stage of cancer. Wow, that kind of lays it out there. How simple to type, but how can anything ever be the same?

I've never thought of my mom as average, and she is in the peak of health (ya know, aside from the cancer), walking 3-5 miles every day and eating like all of us should eat. She has a great team of doctors with some impressive tools (look up Haelen 951) on her side.

But she doesn't just have science backing her up. She has something that serves her even better than the greatest medical resume: she has peace. And not just some wimpy peace. Real peace. Like I've-never-heard-or-seen-her-cry-about-her-cancer peace. It's not because she's trying to put up a brave front--she is truly just at peace. (I kind of hate that because that is how my grandma was when she had her cancer.)

I (sort of) silently wept as she told me all of this tonight, and then, she comforted me! Isn't that backwards? She told me, "Remember the children's song, 'have faith, have hope, live like His Son--help others on their way.'"

When the call was done, well, then...then I was mad and angry--just like I was when my friend was sentenced. But again I felt this pull to turn to Christ. Not to watch a dumb TV show and numb my brain, but to pull out my scriptures and receive a blessing from Stephen. To read about the vision of the Tree of Life.

To read that "...the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen." Thus it is. Nephi had no doubts. Thus. It. Is.

I know that the peace of Christ is real. I am still pleading to feel it with this latest news, but I know it is real, and that I will receive it. In the mean time, I'm going to do as my mother said: "I have enough peace for both of us. You can have some of mine until you get your own."

I should listen to my mother.

I choose to turn to Christ.

Potential

Years ago in Portland I started a preschool co-op with some friends for our 3-year-olds. Why would I send my kids away from me to learn? I had smart, wonderful friends--we could do this! Fast forward a couple of years to Kindergarten. I'm the one who didn't send my 5-year-old away. Society won't dictate to me what I have to do! (Thank you, father, for my rebellious streak)

Jump ahead a year and we were in Provo, buckling down for the hardest 2 years of my life: Stephen's MBA program. Right away I got with a group of amazing women--the MBA Spouses Association at BYU. It is not an organization to trifle with--it is made up of a group of dedicated, hard-working women who make lofty goals and reach them. I noticed what we accomplished and was impressed.

Provo is also when I became absorbed in the education of my children--and myself. 2 years on my own--and feeling so alone--taught me that I do have what it takes to teach my children.

Finally, MBA graduation. We'll be in Minnesota for Stephen's PhD program until 2015. By the time we left Provo I saw myself as a strong, capable woman who can do hard things when the Lord is on my side. I knew that was true--the 2 years of the MBA program proved that to me. I was unafraid and ready to work. No more plush my-husband-comes-home-from-work-at-lunch-so-I-can-go-running (my life in Portland) life. I was prepared and ready.

Life in Minnesota continues to teach me. One time a friend was telling an acquaintance about my kids and said, "They are the smartest kids I know--she homeschools." That really rubbed me wrong--my children aren't any more intelligent than other children--they just have time and freedom to explore and discover what they are passionate about. Every child has the same potential they have.

That got me thinking--if I am so certain that my children have boundless potential, what about me? I, too, am a child of God, and he loves me and I love him. Doesn't he love me as much as he loves my children? Might I also have a reason and purpose for being on the earth at this time?

I have thought about that for the last year and a half, and I have decided that there is a reason I am in this place at this time. There is something that I can do to help build the kingdom of God on the earth. That thought combined with an abundance of faith and lack of fear has great power in my life.

I'm getting ready to hold my 2nd Gifts of the Heart Exchange here in Minnesota. Last year nearly 200 people came and took home much needed--and wanted--items. Clothing, toys, baby gear, household items, bikes...and I got to a part of seeing their happiness. I am on a Board of Directors that put on a production of "The Nutcracker" a few weeks ago--it was hard work, but very rewarding to see the dancing and hear comments from the audience. I teach my 5 kids at home and spoke at a homeschooling conference last year--I love encouraging new homeschooling families as they learn a different way of life. My kids and I visit a local nursing home several times a month and sing the old songs to the residents. My life is full of meaning and purpose.

I don't say any of this to say "Look at me! Look at the great things I am doing!" My contribution is a widow's mite, so to speak--but the Lord was grateful for that widow's mite. I'm merely a pencil in the hand of God. Where I am in my personal development now is light years away from where I was when I whined when Stephen worked more than 40 hours a week. Sometimes I look back at my little self and pat that young mom on the head and think how cute and sweet (and naive) I was.

And as I think of my children, I don't think I'm any better or more intelligent or more anything than anyone else. I had a serious growing time--and it wasn't easy--and realized my potential--and that potential is incredible.

What if every woman and man had a glimpse of their potential? What if every woman in the Relief Society believed that what they do makes a difference in this world? What if each of us found some thing to be passionate about--to work and pray for? Can you even imagine what our world would be like? What if the Relief Society wasn't merely a social institution but a catalyst for amazing programs and ideas?

There is power in us--we can't settle for mediocrity when there is greatness wanting to get out!

Why I wore pants to church on Sunday

Some Mormon feminists encouraged Mormon women to wear pants to church last Sunday in support of the Mormon feminist movement. After much reflection, I decided to wear my nicest slacks instead of a skirt to church. I didn't do it because I want women to be ordained to the Priesthood. I also don't feel unequal to men in the church. I don't have an inferiority complex and I do fully sustain my church leaders and have a strong testimony of the gospel. Wearing slacks goes against Mormon culture, but not Mormon doctrine, plus, I love my slacks!

There were two main reasons that I chose to wear slacks instead of a skirt:

1) I support people being different, especially those who are different in a Mormon culture that too often emphasizes uniformity. I believe there is lots of room for all sorts of people, especially in the church. Liberals, conservatives, gays, democrats, republicans, homeschoolers, working moms, stay-at-home moms, people with mental disabilities, the poor, the rich, women who wear pants to church and those who choose to wear a skirt. Which leads to...

2) We should not be as judgmental as we sometimes are. We are all at different places in our progression, and that is okay, in fact, it is to be expected. I hope that all who come to our church feel welcome, whatever their manner of dress. It so happened that there were 3 women investigators who attended our ward in pants, and I was glad that they weren't the only ones not wearing a skirt.

Will I wear slacks go church again? Probably not. I think I can show the most respect and draw the least amount of attention to myself in a nice skirt. But I will definitely think twice before judging others because of the choices that they make, whatever they may be.

The strength of the Lord

Several thoughts and experiences have come together for me over the last couple of days. I'm reading the book of Mormon in The Book of Mormon, where Mormon is describing the awfulness of the Nephites as they battle with the Lamanites. In Mormon 3:3 he says that, "...they did not realize that it was the Lord that had spared them....And behold they did harden their hearts against the Lord their God." And then, in verse 9, "...they began to boast in their own strength..." From the time that they relied on their own strength they were beaten and, in not many years, destroyed.

Contrast that with Zeniff in the book of Mosiah, where he says, "Yea, in the strength of the Lord did we go forth to battle....And God did hear our cries and did answer our prayers; and we did go forth in his might."

And again in Alma, "...in that selfsame hour that they cried unto the Lord for their freedom, the Lamanites began to flee before them."

So, back to me...because we all know it's all about me, right? :)

Stephen is gone at a conference (in Boston--wish I was there!) for 5 days. Have I mentioned that I need Stephen? I need his sense of humor and easy-going-ness and everlasting patience...and I need him to tuck the kids in at night, because, frankly, I'm pretty much fried by bedtime. This is his first trip away from home since Trevor has been born, and I've been pretty worried about how I would react to so much kiddo time with no breaks. Pretty sure that Stephen was a tad bit worried, too.

Well, I read the scriptures in Mormon in the morning on the day that he left. I realized that if I tried to do this weekend relying only on my own strength (or lack thereof), I was doomed to fail. But, and this is a very big 'but' (don't laugh at that ridiculous phrase, k?) I didn't have to do it alone. Oooooh, aaaaaaah, ding! Ah-ha!

I DON'T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE.

I'm pretty sure that intellectually I knew that fact, but it really hit me hard when I actually understood it--when it became relevant to me and my situation.

So this weekend I've made a point to pray earnestly every morning for me and my kids. I've done better with reading the scriptures in the mornings. And you know what? I have been amazing (if I do say so myself). I have had patience and haven't lost it by bedtime. I've kept a reasonably tidy house, made meals, run errands--all the normal stuff--and been patient through it all...even bedtime! It truly is a miracle.

I'm pretty sure that I can't keep it up (oh me of little faith!), but Stephen will be home soon, so when I slip up (which I include in my self-improvement plans), it will be okay. This weekend I needed this particular miracle. "And God did hear [my] cries and did answer [my] prayers."

So when I feel alone and at the end of my rope, I just need to rely on Someone who is a lot stronger than me. Because He really does care about my little family. Isn't that a wonderful thought?

One of those people

When I grow up, I want to be the kind of person who others can call when someone needs help. You know, the Janell Watsons or Brenda Paynters or Cailynn Brinkerhoffs of the world--those marvelous women you can always count on to have charity and do the dirty work with a cheerful and a non-judgmental heart.

At church I'm the compassionate service leader, meaning that it is my calling to have and show charity. From setting up rides to chemo to recruiting for housework for invalids to arranging meals for new moms, I'm the go-to person when someone has a need in the ward. It's a calling I hope I'm growing into.

Tonight I had the experience of going into someone's home who doesn't have much. What a humbling experience. I've never been without food--and some to spare. Never.

This woman has a teenage son and an infant daughter. Her husband just went home to their home country. She was working and going to school, but with such a little baby and complications from her cesarean, is home recovering. She is all alone with a newborn baby and a teenage son and no income. She can't nurse her baby because of the medications she is on as a result of the delivery complications.

I have a confession: I am on WIC. A few months ago, after over-spending on our food budget for many months, and beating myself up about it every. single. month., I prayed and pondered and talked to people I trust (particularly my Dad, because I inherited my distrust of government from him) and took the plunge into government assistance.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I've looked into it every year since we started back to school--so since 2008. I'd review my decision to stay away from government programs annually, and until this year, couldn't bring myself to do more than look into them.

But now I'm one of "those" people. The kind who suck government resources while talking on their cell phones. The kind who make you stand in the checkout line forever. The kind who has so many children you think I'm irresponsible.

Only...I'm not.

And really, whose place is it to judge? Do the people in line behind me, impatiently tapping their toes, know my situation? Do they know that I'm a darn good mom who just needs a little help right now? That my kids will grow up and be amazing contributors in society? Do they know that I shop at thrift stores, but mostly rely on clothing I squirreled away during our seven years of plenty? That I hate the shame of receiving help from the government? Do they even need to know those things? 


At what point do we stop judging and start being kind?

At the store the other day I was filling a bunch of WIC vouchers, and it was taking forever. I was blushing and feeling so ashamed as the line grew behind me. I apologized to the man behind me and he said, "Don't worry, honey, I'm retired! I could stand here all day!" Oh, bless you, kind man!

So next time you are waiting in the grocery line and are unfortunate enough to be stuck behind someone like me...think of me. Think of this struggling woman, doing her best to make ends meet. Think of how you would want someone to treat your own daughter.

The world can use more people like Janell Watson, Brenda Paynter and Cailynn Brinkerhoff. When I grow up, that is my goal!

One more thing

I've been pondering what it means to be a mother lately, maybe because I know this time won't last forever, and also because Trevor is going to be the last baby for awhile. Some days (most days) it seems all I do is feed children, clean up and change diapers.

This last Monday was a great day. I did my Jillian workout, showered, had school with the kids, we ate lunch together, I put Lincoln down for a nap, cleaned up lunch, had the older kids go downstairs for quiet time, nursed Trevor and laid him down. I got out my list of things to accomplish during the week and everything I would need to do a couple of them--my computer, planner, insurance documents, phone numbers, etc. I grabbed my Book of Mormon and read that first, because I've learned that if I don't read first, I usually don't get back to it.

I finish reading and start in on insurance. What a headache! Just when I got to the point of almost understanding some of the charges, Trevor woke up. I went in and nursed him and laid beside him for a few minutes to help him sleep. Then back to insurance. Then Trevor woke up again and I rocked him again. And back to insurance. After a few minutes I heard Lincoln waking up, and then all the kids came upstairs for a snack. And then Trevor woke up.

I was so frustrated with the insurance--trying to make sense of the charges as well as the fact that before I had Trevor I was in frequent contact with them to make sure that I was covered at the birthing center, and now they had denied almost every stinking charge!!! Grr.

So here I was in the middle of frustrating insurance when everyone needed to have a snack and wanted to talk to me. I tried to do both, and continued getting more frustrated--trying to focus on something annoying anyhow with 4 sweet children clamoring for my attention doesn't bring out the best in me.

Amid this happy ruckus Stephen called. He told me all about his very successful day (which I totally credit to the faith of our mothers who were praying for him--and me) and then asked how I was doing. HA! I told him how I had been trying to get the insurance situation taken care of but kept getting derailed by the needs of our kids. Trevor not sleeping well. Needing to clean up. Lincoln waking up. The kids needing a snack. As I was talking to him Lincoln finished eating and needed to be taken to the sink so I could wash him up. Here's what I said to Stephen (read with tears in your voice):

"Lincoln needs to be washed now. There is always one more thing that I have to do!"

And my very sage husband replied:

"It's not just one more thing, it's the thing."

I stopped in my tracks. That's right! I don't just wash faces and read books and nurse my baby to get to something else. The goal doesn't need to somewhere other than where I am. As I'm told in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything. Sooner than I can imagine my sweet babies will be grown.

So right now, I get to choose every day: am I going to make this a happy day or a grumpy day? Either way the day will pass. It's like when somebody spills the orange juice--it's spilled, that can't be changed--what hasn't been decided is how I am going to react. I can't change what has happened, but I can control how I respond. After all, it's not like they spilled the juice on purpose!

Having a baby is so good for me. Everything slows down. I see things in a different light. I remember the overwhelming love I had for each of my children when they were so small, and have more patience with them as they make mistakes now that they are bigger. I appreciate the stage they are in, even the annoying parts, because I know it will pass so quickly.

I realize that I can only do so much, and so I let the little, unimportant things go. So the older kids don't always make their beds; I'll live. Elise leaves her socks on the garage steps; I can kindly ask her to put them away. Mason can't stop talking long enough for me to answer his questions; he'll learn. Me getting upset or annoyed really doesn't accomplish anything except making me upset and annoyed. Who wants to be around someone like that? At the end of the day it's really not worth it.

One tender mercy from a loving father in heaven is that even when I don't get much sleep (TD has been congested and wakes up at night coughing and/or gasping for breath--pretty much freaks me out and keeps me awake) I'm not mad. Usually when I'm tired and/or hungry I get mean. I've been working on that for years (and years and years). But lately I don't get mad. I'm just tired. What a great blessing!! I like myself the same whether or not I'm tired, but I really don't like to be around me when I'm angry all the time. I imagine my kids like to be around me more when I'm just tired, too. :o)

I've been surprised at how relaxed I've become (for the most part--see above example...) ever since having Trevor. In general I've finally realized that I can't do everything right now, and happy day!, I'm fine with that! The thing now, for this time of my life, doesn't go far beyond the 6 people that make up my home.

And, oh, I'm so happy!!!

Self-Righteousness

Sometimes I realize things slowly. Sometimes I'm shown the obviousness of my mistakes in rapid succession. This last while it's been the latter. I'll share three examples...

#1: I went in to change Lincoln's diaper, and saw a poopy diaper sitting on Sammy's bed (which is right next to the changing table--poor Sambo!), and last night's pajamas on the changing table. Sigh. Stephen got Lincoln dressed that morning. I was kind of annoyed. It's not that hard to swish out the poop--and the laundry basket is literally 1 step away from the changing table. I fully intended to be the martyr and clean everything up, because I am such a sacrificing person...then I noticed yesterday's dirty clothes on the changing table...and a poopy diaper from yesterday in the hall...um...those were my responsibilities. And I had perfectly good reasons for not getting either of those things done.

#2: When the kids came in from playing the other day they took off their shoes (like they are supposed to) and their socks (because they were wet). They left their dirty socks literally in the middle of the kitchen floor. I kicked them (the socks) around for a while, until in frustration I was about to holler at the kids to get-their-stinky-socks-out-of-my-kitchen-5-minutes-ago!!!!! And then I noticed my dirty socks shoved under the table.

#3: I don't know what it is about my kids, but they have a really difficult time finding a laundry basket to put their dirty clothes in. I find dirty clothes wherever they are shed--the front room, the kitchen, their bedrooms, but especially in the bathroom. I wish we had room for a hamper in there, but I'm not convinced it would really do much good. Anyhow, sometimes I purposefully leave their clothes in on the floor just to see if they will notice and pick them up. They have yet to actually do that, but I keep hoping that one day they'll notice. Again, I had been kicking the clothes around in the bathroom for several days when I'd finally had it. Why couldn't they just pick up their own dirty clothes????? Again, I was about to holler at them to CLEAN UP when I noticed, right on the ground next to their clothes, my dirty clothes.

Sigh. Just when I think I might be closer to reaching perfection in little, everyday things, I'm reminded that I have a looooooong way to go yet.

Cleaning

I realized something on Saturday. Something important.

My goal was to get the house clean. Stephen was going to be at a conference all day, and I was going to let the kids run wild (outside) and work like crazy on the inside of the house.

Um, yeah.

I literally spent the entire day cleaning. And guess what? At the end of the day I couldn't even tell.

Sad, and a little pathetic.

Here's what I learned: I'm not going to stress so much about having everything tidy all the time. After spending all my time cleaning, and seeing it didn't really make a difference, why kill myself? I'm okay with good enough.

The end.

Everyone needs to move...

I am of the opinion that people who live in Utah should live outside of Utah, at least for a little while. There is just so much more world than this little bubble. Since moving here I've realized that I really needed to get outside of Oregon - don't get me wrong, I can't think of a better place in the world...but my world view is rather limited, since it consists of...Oregon. My view is already expanding, and (now, Mom, don't get too upset) I don't really want to go back to Oregon for awhile. In fact, I really want to go international and have Stephen do some expatriate work for some years. My one condition is that he make enough that I can fly home at least once a year. :o) And maybe fly my family & friends out every so often, too.

BYU's motto is "Enter to learn, go forth to serve." And they really mean it - they don't want people sticking around Utah. There are enough and to spare of excellent people here! When we first came to look at BYU (last November) we talked with the professor over Supply Chain, Dr. Sawaya, and he told us that the first goal of the MBA program here is to train bishops, stake presidents and the like, and that if we get a good job, that's great, but they really want to train leaders and send them out to the world to strengthen the church. That was a turning point for me in thinking BYU would be okay. Now I know that it is FANTASTIC! Not just okay.

Another professor came to talk to just the spouses (insanely awesome (was that stereotypical Utah talk?) !!!) association, and said his biggest concern was that our husbands don't realize how amazing they are, and instead of settling for a good job they need to decide what it is they really want to do and go for it. Also that the world needs great LDS leaders, and that is what the MBA program at BYU is creating. He also said that we should not be afraid to take risks and go new places.

I'm still anti-big bugs, but not diametrically opposed to anything. Well, maybe New Orleans...yes, definitely there. I for sure want to be above sea level if we live near the ocean. :o) I really hope we get to go somewhere outside of the U.S. for awhile, but who knows where we'll end up! Hopefully somewhere where the church isn't strong. It's always nice to be needed. (I hope that didn't sound egotistical)