That is hard. Impossibly difficult. Soul wrenching.
I burst into tears at times I least expect it. Little Trevor runs for his blanky every time, rushing to bring it back to me and wipe my tears and do a silly dance to make me smile. When we told the kids the news on Saturday there were a lot of tears, and Trevor gave his blanky to Elise to wipe hers. Along with shedding their own tears, my kids comfort me with hugs and prayers.
I said my goodbyes to Mom on Saturday night. She is ready to move on. In fact, my dad said "She just wishes that the next time she wakes up she would be free from this vale of tears." That's essentially what she told me on the phone - this last stage of dying is really just dragging on. She feels like she is done here - ready for the next stage in her eternal life.
As weird as that was to talk about, I'm glad I know she feels that way. It is comforting that she isn't fearful or dreading the future, but can look forward with perfect faith and confidence and peace.
I don't cry because I don't have faith in temple covenants and the sealing power or in Jesus Christ's power to save. I do have that faith. I'm not worried about where she is going - she gets to be with Grandma and her grandparents and countless other people whose temple work she has done. I believe that.
I cry because I am going to miss her terribly. I'll miss being able to call her up to tell her a funny story about one of the kids, or because I need help with a recipe, or need advice. I'll miss her not being here when my daughter is born, or showing off pictures of her darling grandkids. I cry because I won't be able to be at the funeral.
So when people try to comfort me in my times of extreme sadness, reminding me of the plan of salvation doesn't help. I believe it. Telling me she will soon be free from pain doesn't help. I know that. Neither does the fact that I will see her again or she is in a better place or it is just us who are left behind who mourn. I've got that.
But losing a parent sucks. It just does. No two ways around it. And right now I just need to grieve and cry and be sad and not do my dishes sometimes. I don't know when my weepiness will pass. I'm told it does, and I'm not one to wallow in misery, so I'm sure it will. I don't always cry, but my tears are frequently near the surface, and I never know when they will start.
So please, please be patient with me as I mourn.
17 comments:
We can only hope our faith, will be strong as yours, when our test comes.
This sounds so familiar. When my mom passed two years ago I felt comfort in abundance. I knew my faith was working and the prayers of those around us were asking for our peace and comfort and it was working. But it was and is still hard. And sad. Beautiful post Claire. We will all mourn with you.
Claire, I completely understand what you are saying. My dad (who I was very close to as it sounds like you are with your mom) passed away suddenly in a car accident six years ago. I have never doubted that it was his time to return home and have never blamed anyone or anything for the accident that took his life. Like you, I know where he is and that I will someday join him. However, I still miss him like crazy and wish I could have him here to be the comfort and support to me that he always was. I wish he were here to love my children the way he loved me. People will say things that they think will help such as "He/she wouldn't want you to be sad", but an absence of mourning is an absence of love. Even our Heavenly Father mourns the sadness and wickedness of His children because He loves them more than we can comprehend. I know that you will find peace eventually, but for now you have every reason to mourn the loss of your wonderful mother.
Oh honey, I feel so much empathy for you right now. I was standing in your shoes 7 and 1/2 years ago. I was also pregnant with my youngest daughter, she was due in two months. I had been through a terrible divorce shortly before all that and moved across the country to be with my parents just to find out that my mom wouldn't be there in a short while. You are absolutely right, losing a parent does suck!!! Especially when you are a pregnant woman losing your mom. Even after all this time I still cry a lot of the time when I think about my mom, I still miss her terribly, but there are also times when I can share about her with others and I am OK. Despite what everyone says, that mortal grief never goes away in this life, never. However, it does lessen, it becomes manageable and bearable. I am sorry you can't go to the funeral, we had three separate services for my mom in three different places. That was three weekends that I barely made it through, but I know the only reason that I did was because she was lifting me up. I am sure that your mom will do the same for you. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. If you ever need to talk to someone who knows just what you are going through, never hesitate to contact me.
Much love,
Samantha Battrick
From experience, don't do your dishes unless you feel it will bring you some sense of peace. Only do what your instincts bring you to do, don't force a thing. We all grieve differently, honey. You don't need permission or to seek patience from us. You focus on yourself and what you need to do, whatever that may be. I love you. Though our interactions are infrequent, I want you to know that you have all my support to grieve, fall apart, stay tough, cry, not cry, whatever you need to do. I support you without reservation. I believe I speak for all who love you that we send you our strength so that you don't need to be right now. I pray for God's angels constant ministering to your family at this time. All my love - Teri
Beautifully said. Mourning with those that mourn is sometimes the most difficult thing to do. We want to fix it, but we can't and sometimes we just need to mourn. Love you! If you need anything please let us know! I would be happy to help however I can!
I am so sorry this is something you have to experience. It is incredibly difficult to lose a loved one. No matter who you are, what stage of life you're in, or what stage of life they're in. It does just suck.
I love the scripture that says "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." You need to allow yourself to mourn in order to receive the blessings of comfort promised by our Savior. Remember that scripture years down the road when you feel like you're still mourning, or possibly that the mourning has returned. You will be blessed for mourning and crying and yelling out in anger and frustration. You will be blessed.
I love you, Claire.
Joan Taylor
Oh Claire. Just hugs. Hugs and hugs. And shared tears.
Hi Claire,
I watched this today and thought about many of the things you talked about in this post.
https://vimeo.com/94186920
I love you Claire. I am praying for you.
Absolutely. You are a beautifully eloquent writer. I feel your pain and strength at the same time. You are an inspiration. Thank you for thst
Thank you so much for writing this, Claire. We're going thru the same thing right now except mom has probably 2 months left. It was so comforting to read exactly what I've been thinking and feeling! Love and prayers to you!
I am so sorry. Loss is always hard. My brother died suddenly almost years ago. It was hard being sudden. I couldn't decide if I would rather have the time to say goodbye or just to wish I could call and say goodbye one more time.
I remember watching you, when you lived across the street from me. You always had such grace and strength. I know that this is a hard time. But you have many of us who are mourning with you. We love you.
I Love you Claire - it never goes away completely - and it will catch you off guard from time to time for the rest of your life. Even 10 years after my Grandmother passed away, I still have moments when I remember something that I miss or something she would have said. It may hurt, but it is part of what makes life beautiful - those memories and aches are also a reminder of the blessing of having that person in our lives. We are thinking about your family and praying for you.
Losing my mother really changed my perspective on things, and I find that I cherish small moments even more. I still miss her every day, but after 6 years the pain isn't as intense most of the time. Sometimes I catch myself talking to her, hoping that maybe she's listening in. :) Take all the time to grieve and cry, it really does help. I'm sorry that you too are losing your mother at a relatively young age. I'll keep you and my family in my prayers! <3
What a hard time. I'm so sorry you have to lose her.
I love you miss Claire. I was sad to hear of your moms passing. She was a truly amazing woman, as is her daughter. Much love to you at this time.
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