This morning I woke up crying. Thinking about what Christ's resurrection means to me brought on a barrage of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. Because He lives, I can be with my family forever--a thought which brings great happiness and peace to me. But that thought also reminds me that I am not with all of those that I love right now. And that thought brings me a sorrow that, even while I have hope and faith, makes the tears flow.
All morning long I debated whether or not I would go to church--I couldn't decide which would be worse, staying at home with too much time to think or hearing people's testimonies of how we can be together in eternity because of Christ's Atonement (because I'd just cry the whole time). As I walked down to take care of the chickens I had the thought that it would be just fine to stay home--there was no shame in taking time for myself.
So I sent everyone except Ruthie off to church, and decided that even though I'm sad, I'm still going to take care of myself--not just lounge around in my pjs all morning. Ruth was happily pushing a stool around the house, so I decided to sneak in a quick shower. No sooner than I got in than Ruth crawled into the bathroom, sat outside the shower and cried like her heart was breaking. For the whole. Shower.
It got me thinking--all that was separating us was a shower curtain. But Ruthie couldn't see me or be with me, and that was all she wanted. She wanted me. Not the knowledge that I was so close. Not hearing my disembodied voice. She just wanted me--my physical presence, my hugs, my comfort.
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| Sad Ruthie! |
2 comments:
Oh, I feel this post so deeply in my heart, Claire. The shower curtain; how poignant. Yes. Yes, it must be like a shower curtain that separates us mortals from the non-mortals. I've thought about this a lot--why does it hurt so much? When we know we'll see them again, when we have this gospel, this world of truth that others don't? Shouldn't it not hurt? I mean, we believe the spirit world is essentially all around us, right? So isn't it silly of me to long for and feel an ache for someone who's maybe right next to me? What am I, a 16-year-old? But then I also realized that it is exactly because we are mortal that makes it so darn tough. We can't see these people. We can't hear them, or smell them, or touch them, or be held by them or hold them. And although we also know that this life and these hard things will be "but a moment" in eternity, they are pretty darn long right now because what does eternity mean to a mortal? How do you comprehend that? You don't, because you are designed to live in a body in a temporal world with temporal things around you that remind you constantly of beginnings and endings, not never-endings. So I decided it was ok and perfectly normal to feel these things; part of our design, even, to struggle with these huge concepts and feel pain because of it. And I think it is a very wise, very experienced woman who realizes these things and allows herself to feel pain *while knowing* the truths that "families are forever." The truth doesn't take the pain away, after all. And isn't there beauty in pain? Somewhere? So I'm happy for you to accept your feelings and know when you need to stay home and take care of yourself. That in itself is a really big mountain to climb for a mom most of the time.
Happy Easter, Claire. I also realized that there's only 's' separating Easter from eater. And that's a really good thing to think about. So happy eater, too. I hope you have happy eaters today and that you are one. :)
Beautifully Put. Hugs and loves.
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