When Mom decided to go on hospice care I unknowingly started to sever my ties to deity. When she died I tried to turn to God, but couldn't. I tried to take comfort in temple covenants, but the hurt was too new, too raw, and I was too angry.
The anger and raw pain have subsided over the last 2 years, leaving a dull ache that flares up at times, but I still haven't repaired my severed relationship with God. Over the last few months I've felt a gentle pull to turn to Him, but not until last night could I identify my feelings.
Stephen and I went to the adult session of stake conference, where 2 speakers told their conversion stories, then others spoke on repentance. They were nice talks, but I didn't let them get through to me. Finally, our stake president spoke. He quoted President Uchtdorf's April 2016 talk about the Good Shepherd.
"What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
"And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing."
I felt at that moment that, right now, I am the one lost. What a realization!
"Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.
"He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears."
"It matters not how you became lost--whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.
"What matters is that you are His child. and He loves you. He loves His children."
Now that I know I'm lost, I have a very important choice to make. Do I want to be found? Or do I want to keep floundering on my own? I haven't enjoyed just going through the motions without feeling connected to my Savior, but have kept going on my own anyhow. I'm no longer angry, just lonely and sad. I think I have the broken heart necessary to humble myself...but where do I even start?
I read the rest of President Uchtdorf's talk this morning, and thankfully, he had some insights for me.
"'Turn...to me.'
"'Come unto me.'
"'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.'
"This is how we show Him that we want to be rescued.
"It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.
"If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe. That is enough to start.
"Then, acting on that hope, reach out to Heavenly Father. God will extend His love toward you, and His work of rescue and transformation will begin.
"Over time, you will recognize His hand in your life. You will feel His love. And the desire to walk in His light and follow His way will grow with every step of faith you take."
I really enjoyed our stake conference today--the first time I've really enjoyed a church meeting in a long time. I think it was because I'm finally receptive to feeling the Spirit. It's been a long time that I just haven't wanted to feel anything--to open myself up to feeling God's love--even though it's what I've needed...and known that I've needed. I just haven't wanted it enough to open myself up. But I think I am ready now.
"You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.
"He will rescue you.
"He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.
"He will carry you home.
"...we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were--far greater than what we can ever imagine."
Well, here I go...turning to the Savior and trusting--hoping--his promises are sure.
4 comments:
I definitely went through similar feelings when my brother died. So much so that I didn't even want my patriarchal blessing. I think it's normal and you're making the right choice. You're not alone.
I sure love you!
You're very courageous.
I am guessing that the ebbs and flows will continue, and that is okay because Heavenly Father is so much more patient with us than we can comprehend. It's great to have hope and see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is still no rush if you still have times that you need to be sad and angry. You will get there. And when you are ready, you will want it because you love it and miss it and there is divinity in you. It's all a part of beautiful you, and I think you are brave for sharing such vulnerable feelings.
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